Awakening Your Social Self

"Don't talk to strangers!" my mom would admonish me before I left for school each morning. Sometimes I wonder if this ominous warning had anything to do with the social phobia that would plague me later in life. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame poor Momma for my troubles and I know she was only trying to protect me from predators, but I think this is a powerful message that stuck with me much longer than intended. I know I am not alone here because the majority of people I encounter display various degrees of social phobias. I am actually quite an expert on the subject. Spent my early teen years as a bit of a hermit, keeping myself entertained with video games, comic books, and of course, lots of porn. The few times I did show up to a party, I would cling to my friends like they were a life preserver amidst stormy seas. I look back and laugh at myself since I am now able to dive into any social pool and backstroke with the best of them. So how did I do it? Baby steps, my friend. Had to cross a few gates in order to banish my inner hermit and become the life of the party.

The First Gate - EYE CONTACT

What is it about a person's eyes that can be so intimidating? Every time I used to lock eyes with an attractive girl, I would get this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and always avert my glance. Come to think of it, I didn't make much eye contact with anyone back then. I'm not sure if I was afraid of judgement or if I was just self-conscious, but that queasy feeling was very real, kinda like when you take that first plunge on a rollercoaster ride and you wanna puke your brains out. For years, I avoided everyone's gaze until I ran into some random chick in NYC who changed my perspective. I was chatting with my friend Ace and he was telling me some of his famous jokes while we waited for the subway. I was still chuckling as we got on the train and I made eye contact with this dark-skinned beauty with hazel eyes. Hot damn, she was beyond fine! Normally I would turn my eyes away in shame. But I was mesmerized by her delicious charm! I didn't even realize I was smiling at her until she mirrored me and smiled back. You have all heard it a million times before but the smile is critical! And it HAS to be authentic. Like one that you have when your friend tells a good joke.

Don't go overboard on the smiles though, unless you enjoy looking like a damn fool. I managed to scare my hazel-eyes away when we had coffee the next day. I totally made her uncomfortable with my perma-smile. Man oh man how I reeked of desperation! Oh well, at least I learned something: Think of your smiles like occasional bursts of sunlight to warm her heart - but your game face is super chilled out, unfazed like a sea of clouds that make her long for the warmth of your sun-smiles!

Even though it didn't work out with Hazel, I'm glad I met her because from that moment on, I learned to look everyone I saw in the eyes, well minus the shady looking guys and the drunks who talk to themselves but you know what I'm saying. In time the confidence grew and I learned how to flirt a little with the eyes. For instance, when she is at a distance, it is OK to look at some fly cutie's ass. in fact she wants you to! But once she is in your presence, you have got to be more subtle, dude. Keep the eye contact on her face. Center on the eyes and break away for furtive glances at her lips. Challenge her dominance by making her look away first. You don't have to be a psycho-prick about it but make sure she knows who rules the eye contact game! By the same token I also realized that there is a difference between eye contact and STARING. Remember to break your gaze and look at something/one else in the room for a few seconds to avoid that stalker-on-probation look.. Pay equal attention to the world around you for it is ripe with conversation fodder! Which brings me to the next gate.